It is funny how your emotions are very much swings and roundabouts.
I woke up feeling low but okay. Knowing I wasn’t 100% I decided to have coco pops for breakfast to try and add a little boost to the start of my day! I even felt pretty confident and happy in myself after I had got ready. I’ve put my hair back today and it seems to just show off my face a little more. I will have to remember to do more with my hair now it is a little longer. It is a quick and simple trick to really make a ‘change’ to your appearance without blowing big budgets. Only issue is I’m rubbish at styling my hair. I usually end up hot and bothered with my hair looking a mess! But practise makes perfect. Plus the slightly ‘messy’ look seems to be in so I can only win.
It is a lovely day so sunnies it was for driving in to work. After putting my lunch in the fridge (something I’m making myself do now to ‘interact’ with my colleagues more) and making a cup of tea I walked into the office and settled at my desk…
Seemingly seconds later my chest started to feel tight (like there is a strap around my chest and maybe someone trying to claw my ribs open with a crowbar) and my breathing a little elevated and quick. Why does this happen? What is causing it? There isn’t necessarily anything I can put my finger on in particular to explain why I’m feeling anxious. How come I managed to cope last week with more stresses but this week I’ve just been struggling.
I’m not sure if I mentioned, but I’m an orders coordinator at a data archive company. We store a lot of legacy data for clients in our warehouse and can send items next day back to the them on request. If they wish, we can scan the data and send the files digitally. We can also transcribe (copy) the data if it is on tape media to make it more accessible.
Perhaps my anxiety is triggered because literally as soon as I am sat down there are lots of emails that I have to flag on my to do list. Everything is always ‘priority’ and ‘urgent’ so you have to get your head around the whole picture and work out the best way to go about the tasks. But this just shows that I’m good at managing my time and juggling the tasks in hand to ensure everyone is happy.
Perhaps my anxiety is triggered because my colleagues are at my desk asking me questions before I’ve even taken a sip of tea. But this just shows that I’m a fountain of knowledge and they just need my input into their tasks and appreciate my experience.
Perhaps my anxiety is triggered because one of my colleagues that forms part of my team is off on holiday. I feel that everything now is falling at my door and I’m feeling swamped. But this just shows that I appreciate what others do and how they help me.
So I’m just sat here doing deep breathing exercises and listing to the relaxing sounds on http://www.calm.com/. It all seems to help a little. Trying to put a positive spin on the things that are potentially making me anxious is also helping. I’m trying to tell that negative little voice in my head that it is wrong. It is taunting me. Repeating over and over ‘Nikki is going to cry’ in a way that only a horrid bully would do. I’m going to show it that although I have weak moments it doesn’t define me.
All this positivity is making me realise that I’m not just this useless ball of anxiety. I’m actually an essential cog in this machine!